Universities warn first-year students may return home as tossers

STUDENTS returning home for Christmas may have become pretentious twats with silly clothes and provocative beliefs, universities have warned.

‘PROUD OF YOURSELVES?’ shouts Daily Mail editor at ducks in park

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has asked ducks in his local park if they are proud of themselves for increasing the possibility of a Marxist in number 10.

How to avoid Star Wars spoilers by being a grown-up and caring about grown-up things instead

ARE you worried about spoilers for the The Last Jedi? Here’s how to care about normal adult things instead.

Dacre ‘proud of himself’ for trousering half a million in EU subsidies while branding people traitors

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has confirmed he is very proud of himself for taking £460,000 from the EU while branding remain voters as traitors.

Top fake illnesses for winter work avoidance

HAVE a few days off to go shopping or simply get pissed with our guide to the best fake illnesses.

EU comforts May by reminding her it doesn’t give a shit

BRUSSELS officials have comforted Theresa May by reminding her they care no more about her stupid Commons defeat than they did about her idiot election.

How to organise a shit Christmas do

CHRISTMAS would not be complete without a traditionally shit workplace bash, but how should you go about organising one? Read our guide.

37-year-old woman thinks DJs are cool

A WOMAN in her late thirties still believes DJs are cool, it has emerged.

The David Davis guide to being cunning like a fox

I AM David Davis MP, world-class negotiator and hero of Brexit, and these are my infallible strategies for outwitting any opponent.